Log in

the · heart · is · deceitful · above · all · things

& desperately wicked: who can know it?

Recent Entries · Archive · Friends · Profile

* * *
reading back on my friend's journals really makes me miss livejournal. it just seems so much more personable than facebook, where everyone's too damn busy broadcasting what they eat and when they poop and trying to outdo everyone else on how "perfect" their lives are (when in reality their lives are probably just as boring and dull and frustrating as mine and everyone else's on the fucking planet are). it's ridiculous and frustrating, so i deleted mine a couple of months ago and came back here in hopes that some of my friends still put forth the effort into updating once in a while (thank goodness for vikkilynn, because she does and i've always loved reading what she has to say). of course i still read up on all of the communities i belong to, but my silly little pea brain finds that seeing someone update who i've been friends with for quite some time is much more engaging and interesting. maybe, HOPEFULLY, livejournal will pick back up at some point and return to it's former greatness (probably not, but i can hope, right?).

in any event, as for my own update- i really don't have much to go on considering how boring and lame i am (as previously referenced above). i don't do much outside of go to work and sit on my ass at home; i've been in therapy for almost a year now for both my previous issues with drinking (aka drinking 24/7) and my eating disorder (aka either eating/puking or not eating at all 24/7), and i've been seriously blessed with an amazing, caring therapist and i've met a lot of supportive, wonderful people through my group sessions. goodness knows it's been very hard and uncomfortable for me at times, since it's so hard for me to allow myself to get close enough to people to actually open up to them; couple that with the fact that i spent however many years making it a habit to numb myself to people and outside problems/annoyances/pain/anger/happiness/basically everything with both alcohol and huge issues with food, and yeah- i had a lot of re-wiring to do in my brain (which is putting it mildly), that's for sure. but i guess i finally wanted to get better; i was exhausted of being so sick and unhappy. i was exhausted from hurting the people that care for me, but most of all? i was super exhausted from hurting myself.

anyway, all of that aside (even though it's obviously a good thing that i've been taking healthy strides and making positive changes in my life, it still has a morbid underlying tone to all of it for some weird reason) and moving along- i adopted a new puppy a couple of months ago, so i've got that going for me. his name is Patton, and he's a wrinkly, goofy, lovable "ba-shar" (one of his parents was a shar pei and decided to get horny with the other which happened to be a basset hound- and yes, i'm aware of just how oddball of a mix that is):


i know he looks slightly depressed in that picture, but i assure you he's not- he was just tired the day i took that, thanks to the fact that we had just spent a good portion of the day goofing off in the park.

one of the guys i work with (i call him Cleveland because he looks like a real life version of the character from Family Guy) just ventured off to forage for donuts for everyone in the office, so i have that to look forward to. he randomly brought me a couple of hot dogs for lunch a few days ago too, which was random and unexpected but very thoughtful and appreciated, even though i hate hot dogs because they give me the runs for some reason unknown to mankind.

i guess i'll wrap this up for now, especially since i have a pile of paperwork sitting on my desk that needs to be entered into our system before my boss actually takes note of how long it's taken me to get around to it. oops.

if anyone on my friend's list actually still farts around on this thing or gets bored enough to actually read this post, please know that you were in my thoughts, and i hope you've all been well!
* * *
my life has changed drastically.

i could sit here and attempt to judicially spell my life out for you, but i won't. to be honest, I'm scared to- i feel like everything that makes me happy (once known) goes to shit. I feel like for once though, i can actually feel comfortable enough to get this off my chest- i actually really for real love someone.

i am sitting in bed with a man who swats at my ass, farts in his sleep, pokes fun at me for all of my many idiosyncrasies, but also a man who- (intermission as he literally attempts to gobble me as he wakes) i cannot imagine my life without having met him.

i always thought that (intermission x 2) finding the right one was beyond my means; like it was something only strived for in tv shows and movies; something that would never be actually obtainable in a sane person's mind; but i can honestly say now that it is absolutely obtainable.

never waste your time with someone who doesn't love you as much as you love them.

i know it may sound cliche, but coming from a person who thought her entire world would disappear after my ex left- should say a lot, considering the fact that i hate lovey dovey romance stories and bullshit like that. i just know my grandmother was right when she told me that i'd eventually find someone who loved me as much as i loved him.

the only wrench her plan however, is the fact that i cannot possibly fathom how he could love me more- even as he takes his morning pressure washer piss, i cannot imagine that the love i have for him is outweighed by his for mine; and even if things don't work out (worst case scenario), then i can still honestly say that i was capable of REALLY loving again.

and that he (not to mention my hope in this) was worth writing about.

so yeah, long story short- it can happen. i promise.
* * *
* * *

At this particular time, you are feeling that you are or were unjustly and undeservedly treated and/or betrayed in your hopes and dreams. You feel that everything is against you. But look on the bright side for you are, whether you believe it or not, a survivor.

Enough is enough. Nothing seems to be working out as you would like it to and it has got to the stage where you feel as if you can't be bothered anymore. The way you feel is that it would be great if you could be cut off from everything and take it easy - be it only for a short time.

You feel very lonely and frustrated at this time but your shyness and modesty precludes you from establishing any deep form of relationship. You feel rather isolated and alone. You are egocentric and you believe that you are always right - well maybe you are - but you have a short fuse and are likely to take offence for the slightest reason.

Recently everything seems to have gone wrong and so you are experiencing considerable stress and anxiety due to mental conflict. A continuous case of 'Should I?' or 'Shouldn't I?'. At this particular moment in time you feel as if you have reached the end of your tether and it seems impossible to ever rectify the situation and so you have decided, perhaps quite unrealistically, to postpone making any further decisions. Disappointment and unfulfilled hopes have given rise to despondency. This conflict between hope and necessity is creating considerable pressure. Instead of resolving this by facing up to making the essential decision, you are likely to immerse yourself in the pursuit of trivialities as an escape route.

You seem to be always on the defensive and that is because you have failed to establish yourself in a manner consistent with your own high opinion of yourself. You are trying to prove yourself with inadequate resources and this has resulted in considerable stress. You are trying to escape from these excessive demands on your reserves by adopting a defensive attitude in which you refuse to be committed or to be involved in further unpleasantness.
* * *